2007/01/30

Kvatch's Epistle To The Telcos

Porn On Thy Cell Phone Is A Stench In God's Nostrils

The mighty girth of John Holmes
  Fits not in 45 pixels.
So break not thy thumb with scrolling
  For a nobler purpose awaits it.
The moans, the squeeks, and thumps
  Are not for thy co-workers.
Stream not 'Girls Gone Wild 14'
  To John ('The Pervert') of HR.
'Leisure Suit Larry' shall not replace Pong
  For Pong is the chosen game.
And though it looketh like a suppository
  That is not thy PEBL's purpose.

The Lord entreats you...
  Speak these words unto the Telcos:

My ringtone shall not be Bolero
My screensaver not B and D
Please lord don't give me a condom
For a cellphone that I got for free

For I promise to leave it off vibrate
Won't stick in places I shouldn't
Promise not to run up the charges
Downloading things that aren't prudent.

Cause it really is too hard to view
Porn on two square inch screen
And my Blackberry isn't much better
With it's buttons all sticky and mean.

On my RAZR I can't even tell
If the actors truly are nude
Though the telcos are betting the farm
That I'll prove that I'm not a prude.

[ Blame Sewmouse and Fashiongirl for making the suggestions that led to this. :-) ]

12 Comments:

LOL It's just perfect!
Oh, my!
You forgot to include an admonishment against the iPhone
He's written a HYMN!!!

Our first EtherChurch Hymnal entry!

Ok - we're rolling now!! Who are the backup singers?
PoP, Fred... :-) Glad you enjoyed it.

Fashiongirl, no admonishment for the iPhone...maybe the iBrator.

Sewmouse... I suppose it could be a hymn. Maybe we can get the Britney Spears to sing it. I hear she got snubbed by the Super Bowl.
Excuse me, but the Old Testament was all about people begatting and "lying with" each other.

So I think I Am That I Am would approve of phone-porn, just as long as there are no pigs, shellfish or Hittites involved.

He would want more screen real estate though. For is it not written: "Cursed is he who crops the sides of the 16:9 aspect ratio"?
very kvachy. I often wondered what those 'phones' were for.
Mr_Blog...well I think it actually goes (King James style, you know), something like:

Cursed is he who cropeth the aspect, for his screen shall surely 'burn-in'.

...but essentially you're right on.

Cartledge... Just don't ask me about the ROKR. I know all about the Almighty's prohibition against it, but it's too awful for a family blog.
It is true, the cell phone industry has not yet evolved to capture the porn market.

However, as an Informationalist, I will hope we can focus on finding better ways to transfer other kinds of info first.
Funny!
It is true, the cell phone industry has not yet evolved to capture the porn market.

And isn't that somewhat odd considering that the porn industry are usually the early adopters of just about everything.

I can see it now: "Do you use that phone to talk to your mother?"

Julien...glad you enjoyed it!
I suppose it could be a hymn. Maybe we can get the Britney Spears to sing it. I hear she got snubbed by the Super Bowl.

Just like that damned Super Bowl, going with the crowd. . . ;)

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