2006/11/01

Future Headlines - No Sex Without Procreation

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) -

After the stunning success of the federal "No Sex Without Marriage" program, administration officials announced the next step in their drive to make sex in America more acceptable to God, the No Sex Without Procreation initiative.

Department of Health and Human Services Undersecretary for Sin, Courtney Windblatt-Smythe, said:
We've put the brakes on promiscuity among young adults. Now it's time to deal with married couples, and this new initiative will do just that. It will make sexual congress in this country godly and pure.
When asked at the afternoon press briefing for the President's thoughts on the issue, Press Secretary Snow replied:
I asked President Bush about this just the other day, and he said that...well...you all know they have twin daughters and they've had sex...um...once. So I assume that the President is firmly behind this program.
In related news, recently released studies show that, in fact, children are not losing their virginity earlier and that there appears to be no link between promiscuity and sexually transmitted disease. Administration officials have referred these findings as, "junk science".

20 Comments:

What I want to see is a sex within marriage amendment. (drumroll)
This is money that could well be spent invading another country, you know. I mean, Iran is waiting for Halliburton to go rebuild it, and instead, our government is needlessly spending money so adults can stop having sex.
wow - amazing that they would try and tell people what to do in their own bedrooms...

i wonder if they are gonna give us lie-detectors???

porn is up but sex is outlawed...humm, do ya think they have a finger in the pie of the porn biz???
Diva...and you know, to keep on invading countries we're gonna need troops. So we're gonna have to get on that procreation thing!

Fred, you mean like this?

Amendment XXIX
Section 1. "Sex" in the United States shall be limited to relations, solely for the purpose of procreation, between one man and one woman within the bounds of a legally recognized 'marriage'. (See Amendment XXVIII).

Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.


We'll call it the "Pope's Amendment", but we're gonna need a marriage amendment first in order to really do it right. ;-)
Oh, those government types are so smart I want to bear all their children.
I'll have to tell my husband about this. no more sex for him EVER since he's had the big V!! He'll be thrilled - NOT! ;-).
Lola, better start now. As you'll have to marry 'em before you can bear their children, this could take a while. :-)

Pam, happy to be of service!
Frederick: what you said.

I thought this post was a spoof until I looked at the links. SOme of these jokers want to have our society be akin to that in "The Handmaid's Tale" Scheise... what a bunch on nincompoops...
Oh, no I can't marry them. I'm opposed to marriage, both Gay and Straight. I only believe in getting engaged, over and over and over again.
I only believe in getting engaged, over and over and over again.

Ah... Then my dear, you're a tease! (Well at least in the presence of the "No Sex Before Marriage" initiative.) Tell me...are you a "rules" girl?

Snave, there's always a little truth behind every report from the f-A-ke. P. Boggles the mind, doesn't it?
jeez, i'm gonna have to clean my glasses ... at first glance, I saw "No Sex without Migraine" Program. Now, double negatives always throw me, but had me thinking you were on to some sadistic-pharma-torture conspiracy. Would I suffer a migraine for it? ummm, gotta say, no. uh-oh, maybe onto something there. ~~ D.K.
Just where exactly does masturbation fall under these laws?
This is a true story... I swear:
This past Saturday, Hubby and I were out and about running errands, and we went into Target to pick up Halloween candy for our Trick or Treaters. While waiting in the cashier line, we hear this woman announce behind us: "Oh my gosh! I had no idea you guys were expecting. Well, it is about time, I mean really, your daughter is HOW old now?"
This THING being so rude is our wingnut neighbor who lives down the street from us. We haven't exchanged any words with her since she attacked us for "daring" to have Kerry/Edwards signs in our front yard in '04.
My husband detests this woman, so he sees that I am about to open my mouth and answer her, but Hubby grabs my wrist and gives me this look of death. I clam up and Hubby spins around and says to Ms. None of Your Damn Business: "Yeah, we are expecting another baby. We carefully planned our children with birth control. You have heard of birth control, huh? It allows people like us who to love to screw each other get to have plenty of fun without worrying about bankrupting our home."
Ms. None of Your Business stood there in a stunned silence. Hubby spun around and we both had to bite our lip so we wouldn't burst out laughing. Ms. None of your Business said nothing more. She just walked away. Hmm.... I wonder if she'll bother to wave if she sees us doing yardwork?
It does remind me of "The Handmaid's Tale." I had posted the non-spoof version of this earlier today.

Honestly, you just can't make this s*&t up!
D.K., seems to me that listening to anybody on the right talk about abstinence is migraine inducing.

Lew... The Devil finds work for idle glands.
Tina, the Frogette and I had a similar experience some years ago. We made a decision not to have children and were told by a evangelical that it meant that we didn't really have a marriage, that we were just 'playing house'.

Good for your husband! :-)

Gracie, wait for the coup and then the passage of the bill. That would be 'The Handmaid's Tale'.
Of course it's junk science! Hell! Anybody knows that! Transmitted sex diseases are passed on by dirty thoughts and ogling body parts and kissing! God forbid these children kiss! Afterall...kissing leads to one thing and then another and the next thing you know many years later an imbecile becomes president!
That should keep the population down somewhat. Not.
Actually TPM, can't young women get pregnant just being oogled by young men?

Julien...OK, I didn't want to go here but...let's ban sex altogether: Prohibition on copulation!
You can thank the young women here in america that are getting themselves knock up by multiply fathers just to get the child tax credit and a piece of a mans wallet. It's about time are government step up and said enough is enough. Single fathers pay twice!

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