2006/11/03

Dear Reverend Haggard

Dear Reverend Haggard,

I know that this must be a trying time for you, having to step aside as the head of the New Life Church because of these ridiculous allegations. But just in case you really did pay a gay escort for sex every month for the last three years, let me just say...whoa! A man of your age! [Whoops...sorry.]

Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm sure that the accusations are false--just as your niece said--and that you'll be exonerated and back to doing the Lord's work in no time. For example, your state-by-state efforts to ban gay marriage are invaluable. Let's work to keep sex between men where it belongs, in clandestine relationships like yours. [Oh damn! Sorry again.]

Anyway, I'm sure this is all just a political stunt, and I'm looking forward to seeing you at next year's National Association of Evangelicals convention. Hey, by the way... Why don't you bring along some of that methamphetamine you snort. Those sessions can get pretty long, and I bet with enough meth we could all see God! [Ooops!]

Sincerely,

Kvatch

27 Comments:

I wonder if this guys version of Justice Sunday involves a pair of handcoffs and leather chaps...[sorry;)]
The reverend doth protest too much, methinks. Doesn't that seem to be the case a lot of the time? And THIS MAN is telling us we wouldn't be better off in a world where people can live openly as what they are in marriages with the peops of their choice? His 5 children wouldn't be better off? His "wife"?
I wonder if this guys version of Justice Sunday involves a pair of handcoffs and leather chaps...[sorry;)]

That being the case, I'm sure that we have a few bars here in Sodom by the Sea where he would be welcome. ;-)

Ms. Blue, the man certainly seems to have his head screwed on a couple of turns too tight.
I betcha this pisses off the baby jesus, big time. Somebody is in for a good old fashioned smite-ing.
Amazing! Nothing shocks me anymore, absolutely nothing.
Pursey Tutweiler has a wonderful post about him over at The Gay Agenda. Seems he said "I never had a homosexual affair with a man in Denver."

Could it have been elsewhere?
PoP, the Baby Jesus says that the good reverend needs to be put in a hurt locker!

Gracie, but the thoroughness of the transgression..the thoroughness. Every month for three years! And he paid the guy! And he took meth to heighten the experience! The mind boggles.

Diva, "elsewhere"? Probably everywhere!
LOVE it!!
There's a poem brewing about this man of god and it, according to my muse, will be a rather nasty ode.

Funny post, Kvatch...Hypocrisy is the flavor of the year for the so called godly.
TED Haggard? Thank God... I thought it Merle Haggard...

He's such a bear..grrrrr
Pam, TPM...thanks. And when that poem's ready, I'll be right over to take a looksee!

Crackpot, I know some bears who'd be happy to welcome the good reverend!
The Reverend Haggard did the morally right thing. He hired a prostitute, he didn't marry him.
What are the chances that ol' Teddy likes the Viagra?!!! Betcha he does! Kvatch...your usual wit is most worthy.
Thanks Sumo. I'm hoping that the good reverend takes comfort in my support. :-)

Knighterrant, I so agree. Got to maintain the sanctity of that closet!
I wonder if The very Reverend Haggard ever slipped up on Sunday during one of his "coming off of meth" hazes and said: "Now please everyone, pass around the lube so everyone has a chance to get in on the charitable action."
Is this what our values have come to? It's wrong to have a homosexual affair, or at least admit to it, but abusing methamphetamine-that's okay? What are the odds that when evidence is produced showing the accuser to be right, the good Reve blames it on the drugs?
I don't know about the accusations, but he said that his wife and he were "steady." That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for heterosexual marriage.
It's been said that he services {opps} counsels Der Fuehrer Bush regularly. Who would have guessed that?
Rumor has it Mark Foley sent him a tube of KY wrapped in a note that said: "You're done for, too. Let's get married!!"
I think that Haggard is now just trying to do damage control since he stepped down from his ministry. Of course he could have heading out for a rendezvous, and they mistook it for stepping down...

"What? No it was just a massage. No I DID NOT abandon my flock!"
Don't tell me--I bet this guy is also against the Cervical Cancer Vaccine for young girls because it will promote promiscuity? I wonder what cooties he has exposed his wife to. I'd be getting a full blood workup and dipped in bleach if I were her.

The irony of this situation is almost mind numbing. He bought the meth but didn't take it? Is that kind of like "I smoked, but I didn't inhale"? Riiight...
Lew has a good point here, it is okay for the dear Rev. to admit he bought and tossed the meth but not the salad?
Sothis, I'd have him worked up even without the allegations. Dude's creepy.

Ms. Tuttweiler...welcome to Blognonymous! Meth, salad...it's all illegal, unless the good citizens of Colorado have legalized prostitution which I doubt.
Hey, he didn't snort the meth, he just thought about it. Come to think about it, isn't that pretty common: people buying drugs and NOT doing them?
He'll be checkin' into rehab any day now...
Yeah, yeah, he didn't use the meth, just like Clinton never inhaled... heh...

With enough meth, yes, we MIGHT all see God! Good one, K! Or, to quote George Carlin in all his infamous wisdom, from his HBO concert "You Are All Diseased":

"Here's another question I've been pondering -- what is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people belive in angels. Are you fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their mind? You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback for all the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of street drugs will get you some fucking angels, my friend!"

George is a bit harsh at times, sure, but I love that show. It's available on CD, I would recommend you rush out and buy it. His segments on religion are wonderful!
Praguetwin...people buy the drugs and then don't do them? Pretty wasteful, not unlike paying for expensive weapons and then not using them. (Thinking subs here, not tanks :-) ).

Snave, 4 in 5 believe in demonic possession as well, and looking at Bu$hCo, I tend to agree.

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