2006/08/10

Future Headlines - TSA FREAKS OUT!

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) -

Responding to the new terror alert level, established when a plot to bomb US bound airliners was discovered in the UK earlier today, the Transportation Safety Administration issued new guidelines for passengers traveling in the US -
    TSA Paper Gowns
  • All passengers will be required to pass through TSA screening naked. Though travelers will be issued paper hospital gowns prior to boarding their flights, TSA officials feel that this is the only way to catch really determined terrorists.
  • To prevent terrorists from ingesting explosive substances, all passengers will be required to throw up prior to boarding their aircraft.
  • Passengers that are part of TSA's Registered Traveler program will be required to shave all of their body hair in order to maintain their status.
  • And finally, no reading material will be allowed to pass through TSA screening. Though passengers concerned about boredom will be glad to know that TSA has thoughtfully decided to place copies of the Congressional Register on board all domestic aircraft.
TSA spokespersons had no comment on rumors that requiring passengers to wear revealing hospital gowns on board would lead to wave of attempts to join the Mile High Club.

(I just knew that I wouldn't get away from this topic today. Ah well...)

24 Comments:

OMG...you are killing me...I am laughing so hard...but it will save security so much work and effort...
LOVE the photo...and the pre-flight-purge- too funny....TSA should hire you...oh wait- that would mean they were thinking...can't have that...( I am suprised that this fellow was allowed to keep his slippers)...
yup...welcome to the Friendly Skies...
Ewwwwwwwwwww! And I thought taking off my shoes was bad!
Oh, my god, this is hilarious. I am linking to my blog.
Okay on the 5pm news they are saying that if you are bringing Breast Milk you have to PROVE it is Breast Milk- omg...are there going to be Special Inspectors ?????
All this and that movie 'Snakes on a Plane'?
I can't take it anymore.
Does Greyhound go to Paris?
PROVE it is Breast Milk

Prove it?! For Christ's sake! What are they gonna ask 'em to do? Lactate on the spot?!

Diva, thanks!

FG, wait until they tell you you're not allowed to wear deoderant it confuses the bomb sniffers.
Shelly...welcome. No kidding, but I suspect that the snakes will have to be naked as well.

Does Greyhound go to Paris?

How about just a train?
I love the picture! Is it a self-portrait?
What happens if your bum is too skinny for those hospital things?
Also, I'm wondering if they can be made from explosive materials?
Might just have to forgo the coverup.
that's gotta be tony soprano posing, right? and regarding explosive things, mightn't a foul mouth (or other orifice) qualify? just so I know where I fit on the TSA list. D.K.
ah...is this plot suposed to be more, or less, sophisticated than a shoe bomb? What if I have liquids in the air pocket of my shoes? I think eventually going naked will be the only option, and maybe that will spur the nation to do something about its obesity problem. Wait, Bush should make being physically fit a national security issue, who knows what that guy in the picture is hiding under his rolls...
Kathy, I'm hurt. :-( Is not my svelte frog body apparent from my photo? D.K. is right it's Tony Soprano, and I think that he's about to be apprehended for violating the "no luggage" rule.

D.K., I don't want to hear about your foul orifices, but I'm sure TSA will be interested.

Fred my man, you've anticipated me. The naked thing is all part of a greater plot.
Lactate on the spot!!! OMG!!!

Olbermann was ON FIRE tonight. Thank goodness for calm heads & skepticism. More later...
Do we get disposable seat covers with this plan?
I think we should contact that Virgin Airlines guy ( the rich guy from England ) and start at Naked Airline ...It would save so much money on security...and no hassle, no worries about shoes or other belongings...amd thank heavens Fred thought of it....
I'm not sure if I want to be in line with a bunch of vomiting people in hospital gowns. It might bring back that bird flu terror I finally got over....
Are you sure that's Tony Soprano? It looks like a plumber crack guy to me...but I don't understand why he's wearing the hospital gown to plumb in... Airports...what do they know?!
I can see it now..

"Next! Sir, please bend over a little further...... mmmhmmm... Ok. Next!"
Yall are all "crackin" me up!

The bad news is we can't take Purell on the plane.
"(I just knew that I wouldn't get away from this topic today. Ah well...)"

Hey, at least you tried, Froggy. Hilarious.
I have an updated list of banned substances:

lipstick
liquid eyeliner
creme blush
liquid foundation

CLEARLY this plot is part of The Gay Agenda.
Do we get disposable seat covers with this plan?

Seat covers? I'd hope for "seat condoms"!

E4E, while I was looking for images to mash, I found one for "Naked Airlines". How cool is that?

JuBlue, bird flu, explosive baby formula, cavity searches...the fun never ends.

Sumo, maybe there's plumbing problem on board the aircraft and his tools are in the rolley bag.
Praguetwin...EEEEEEKKKKKK! Makes me never want to fly again.

Sue, hey those Purell bottles might have bad, bad stuff in 'em and the wipes...don't get me started.

PT, thanks, but E4E deserves the credit for supplying the theme.

Diva, I think that there's a deeper agenda, but that's for a different post.
Kvatch,
Your plan is so brilliant, I think you should take it one step further. Let's make all people go around naked at all times, with nothing more then a hospital gown. It's the only way to be sure these days. Winters in some parts of the world will be a drag, but summers will actually be nicer naked and all safe and stuff.

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