Sports Desecration Amendment
Reeling from the defeats of the Flag Desecration and Federal Marriage amendments, Senate Republicans announced today that they would introduce the Sports Desecration Amendment. Speaking for the GOP, Senator Mitch McConnell said, "With assaults on basic American values coming from all sides, we need to act quickly to protect the national pastimes. Baseball, football, and car racing are as American as apple pie and marriage between one man and one woman."
The following is the text of the proposed amendment -
Congress shall have the authority to prevent desecration of the national pastime(s) through legislation designed to:
(i) Prevent Americans from developing an enthusiasm for soccer ("the lesser football")
(ii) Outlaw any sport that involves unmanly kinds of contact (See "Rugby")
(iii) Prevent recent immigrants from playing the only sport in the world slower than baseball (see "Cricket")
(iv) Protect NASCAR by confining race car drivers with Italian sounding names to the CART and Indy racing circuits
Hat tip to Mr_Blog for the inspiration.
What's wrong with a couple of great hairy blokes having a cuddle on a grass paddock?
And I've warned you, cricket - don't go there!
But soccer [footbal], well Australians have, until recent times, generally and rudely referred to it as 'wogball' - as played by European immigrants.
I think America would be a kinder gentler place for adopting cricket and thugby.
But those motorcars - they are considered too American, never mind the Italian sounding names.
Not a thing. It's the GOP! Not me!
When it comes to unamerican sports, I'm a big fan of rugby. Nothing's more manly than a scrum, IMHO--just a mass butt slap, I say, and plenty-o-that goes on in the NFL.
But I can not...I will not...defend a game where the score is measured in "wickets" and it goes on for days.
As for NASCAR...now that's American! Cars that not only should not be on the track, but that use even more fuel because they're so damn un-aerodynamic!
When we got satellite TV, there was an expanded channel package we had at first, and one channel we got was a FOX international sports channel... I thought the rugby was great fun to watch. Even more so than Australian Rules football! A "world cup" thing was on, and I was pulling for the big, tough dudes from Fiji!
As for preventing Americans from developing an enthusiasm for soccer, I think as most people 25 and over get older, and younger people who now play soccer become adults, soccer may become more accepted as a real mainstream sport in the U.S.... but I wouldn't bet on it being on a par with baseball, football or basketball anytime soon.
Australian Rules? Can't even figure the game out. Sort of reminds me of Gaelic Football.
I think rugby is a great sport. Very exciting, and I watch it every chance I get. I know Cartledge is going to ding me for this, but my team is the All Blacks (New Zealand's national team).
...uh...but that still doesn't mean that we should something as unholy as the scrum into the United States! ;-)
Hey, since we are preserving American sports, shouldn't ehere be something in there about the DH rule?
Hey, Kvatch. I'm going to my first Critical Mass today after work. I'll post pics of it this weekend.
Also lacrosse. First, it's French; that is just wrong right there. Then, there are those butterfly nets on a stick. Although, those little skirts the girls wear are neat.
Praguetwin, I think that living in the Czech Republic has affected your judgement. Do you need an intervention? As for the DH...evil...evil...evil. I'll get Bill Frist on the phone.
PT...have fun, but be careful. I still remember the big Critical Mass meltdown of 98 when the cagers on Market street took to "clotheslining" the bikers.
Therefore the only two options for the national pastime are Jai-alai and beach volleyball.
Tha't there is wuss talk. I'm a sports traditionalist: it isn't really a ball game unless it's played with the severed head of your conquered enemy. Sadly, the old values have just gone straight out the window...
I could go for that, but in deference to the native peoples of the Americas, could we at least include sports where the losing team is executed at the end?
And, just to disabuse you of poorly understood concepts - You don't score wickets, you take wickets. A good bowler is often able to bowl a maiden over! Even take a hat trick - three wickets without a run. That is really bowling a maiden over!
But dear froggy, we score cricket by runs, against wickets.
think of it, a sport you have to tape your ears down for, so they don't get torn off - now there's a sport worth watching!
baseball? american football - bleeech! I'd rather watch paint dry.
can't comment on Cricket - have NEVER been able to figure it out, but seems to involve all together too many clothes....
now, I must get back to the world cup...
the only thing I would add - to be fair, and nongender biased . . .
3) For men, outlaw any sport that doesn't include shorts, fabulous bodies, no absolutely NO padding. (Long hair always a plus)
OK, my head just exploded!
...shorts, fabulous bodies, no absolutely NO padding. (Long hair always a plus)
So Callooh, if I may paraphrase, "Bare thighs/calves, cut bodies, no pads, flowing locks, possibility of death"? Done! I'll contact the Senate.