2006/06/29

Sports Desecration Amendment

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) -

Reeling from the defeats of the Flag Desecration and Federal Marriage amendments, Senate Republicans announced today that they would introduce the Sports Desecration Amendment. Speaking for the GOP, Senator Mitch McConnell said, "With assaults on basic American values coming from all sides, we need to act quickly to protect the national pastimes. Baseball, football, and car racing are as American as apple pie and marriage between one man and one woman."

The following is the text of the proposed amendment -

Congress shall have the authority to prevent desecration of the national pastime(s) through legislation designed to:

   (i) Prevent Americans from developing an enthusiasm for soccer ("the lesser football")

   (ii) Outlaw any sport that involves unmanly kinds of contact (See "Rugby")

  (iii) Prevent recent immigrants from playing the only sport in the world slower than baseball (see "Cricket")

   (iv) Protect NASCAR by confining race car drivers with Italian sounding names to the CART and Indy racing circuits

Hat tip to Mr_Blog for the inspiration.

20 Comments:

Are you trying to get a rise out of me froggy?
What's wrong with a couple of great hairy blokes having a cuddle on a grass paddock?
And I've warned you, cricket - don't go there!
But soccer [footbal], well Australians have, until recent times, generally and rudely referred to it as 'wogball' - as played by European immigrants.
I think America would be a kinder gentler place for adopting cricket and thugby.
But those motorcars - they are considered too American, never mind the Italian sounding names.
What's wrong with a couple of great hairy blokes having a cuddle on a grass paddock?

Not a thing. It's the GOP! Not me!

When it comes to unamerican sports, I'm a big fan of rugby. Nothing's more manly than a scrum, IMHO--just a mass butt slap, I say, and plenty-o-that goes on in the NFL.

But I can not...I will not...defend a game where the score is measured in "wickets" and it goes on for days.

As for NASCAR...now that's American! Cars that not only should not be on the track, but that use even more fuel because they're so damn un-aerodynamic!
Next thing you know they will have a Hollywood descecration law and stars will have to give up plastic surgery.
The only thing I know about rugby is that some guys I know who play it must frequently obtain emergency dental care.
I thouroughly enjoyed playing on the soccer club for a couple of seasons at Eastern Oregon University. My freshman year we were 6-3-1 and beat a couple of larger schools, Washington State and Boise State. But watch a soccer match? I can think of little else more difficult to get interested in when it comes to sports viewing.

When we got satellite TV, there was an expanded channel package we had at first, and one channel we got was a FOX international sports channel... I thought the rugby was great fun to watch. Even more so than Australian Rules football! A "world cup" thing was on, and I was pulling for the big, tough dudes from Fiji!

As for preventing Americans from developing an enthusiasm for soccer, I think as most people 25 and over get older, and younger people who now play soccer become adults, soccer may become more accepted as a real mainstream sport in the U.S.... but I wouldn't bet on it being on a par with baseball, football or basketball anytime soon.
Even more so than Australian Rules football! A "world cup" thing was on, and I was pulling for the big, tough dudes from Fiji!

Australian Rules? Can't even figure the game out. Sort of reminds me of Gaelic Football.

I think rugby is a great sport. Very exciting, and I watch it every chance I get. I know Cartledge is going to ding me for this, but my team is the All Blacks (New Zealand's national team).

...uh...but that still doesn't mean that we should something as unholy as the scrum into the United States! ;-)
Froggy, you haven't lived until you've followed a 25 day test series to have it end in a tie. Cricket rules!!!!!!

Hey, since we are preserving American sports, shouldn't ehere be something in there about the DH rule?
Ahhh, Gaelic Football. Don't forget about Hurling.

Hey, Kvatch. I'm going to my first Critical Mass today after work. I'll post pics of it this weekend.
Outlaw any sport that involves unmanly kinds of contact - What about wrestling? Where they put their hands is just soooo nasty.

Also lacrosse. First, it's French; that is just wrong right there. Then, there are those butterfly nets on a stick. Although, those little skirts the girls wear are neat.
Froggy, you haven't lived until you've followed a 25 day test series to have it end in a tie. Cricket rules!

Praguetwin, I think that living in the Czech Republic has affected your judgement. Do you need an intervention? As for the DH...evil...evil...evil. I'll get Bill Frist on the phone.

PT...have fun, but be careful. I still remember the big Critical Mass meltdown of 98 when the cagers on Market street took to "clotheslining" the bikers.
Knighterrant, I think with should take this to it's logical conclusion... We should simply 1) For men, outlaw any sport where death is not an option, or 2) For women, outlaw any sport where skimpy clothing is not the norm.

Therefore the only two options for the national pastime are Jai-alai and beach volleyball.
We should simply 1) For men, outlaw any sport where death is not an option, or 2) For women, outlaw any sport where skimpy clothing is not the norm.

Tha't there is wuss talk. I'm a sports traditionalist: it isn't really a ball game unless it's played with the severed head of your conquered enemy. Sadly, the old values have just gone straight out the window...
Tha't there is wuss talk. I'm a sports traditionalist: it isn't really a ball game unless it's played with the severed head of your conquered enemy.

I could go for that, but in deference to the native peoples of the Americas, could we at least include sports where the losing team is executed at the end?
Now now, no picking on the poor exiled Praguetwin. Anyone who speaks well of cricket is okay in my book.
And, just to disabuse you of poorly understood concepts - You don't score wickets, you take wickets. A good bowler is often able to bowl a maiden over! Even take a hat trick - three wickets without a run. That is really bowling a maiden over!
But dear froggy, we score cricket by runs, against wickets.
While Rome burns, Nero fiddles -- wasn't that the saying? I saw a photo of Frist, Hatch and some other Republican bloviating about gay marriage, the flag, and every other nitpicky issue they have thrown in the faces of the American people to deflect them. They stand in a row, arm in arm, persisting in their positions, because taking any other would crack their armor. In the face of the Supreme Court ruling, Bush and his soldiers in Congress are fighting to overturn the ruling and make torture or any other action the President wants to take acceptable. Anyone who stands in their way is a coward and a traitor. They will fight the global war on everything until the bitter end. To paraphrase William Lloyd Garrison, they will give no quarter, nor waste argument, they simply don't care.
ah Hurling, Aussie Rules Football, Football (and NOT the baby 'merican kind), Rugby - THESE ARE SPORTS - PLAYED BY MEN -withOUT padding and in shorts what more could you ask for I mean really...

think of it, a sport you have to tape your ears down for, so they don't get torn off - now there's a sport worth watching!

baseball? american football - bleeech! I'd rather watch paint dry.

can't comment on Cricket - have NEVER been able to figure it out, but seems to involve all together too many clothes....

now, I must get back to the world cup...
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"We should simply 1) For men, outlaw any sport where death is not an option, or 2) For women, outlaw any sport where skimpy clothing is not the norm."

the only thing I would add - to be fair, and nongender biased . . .

3) For men, outlaw any sport that doesn't include shorts, fabulous bodies, no absolutely NO padding. (Long hair always a plus)
You don't score wickets, you take wickets. ... Even take a hat trick - three wickets without a run. That is really bowling a maiden over!

OK, my head just exploded!

...shorts, fabulous bodies, no absolutely NO padding. (Long hair always a plus)

So Callooh, if I may paraphrase, "Bare thighs/calves, cut bodies, no pads, flowing locks, possibility of death"? Done! I'll contact the Senate.
Thanks froggy - I moved it to the top - sans comments. Happy nuking

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