The Automobile - Nothing Is More American
American power rides on 4 wheels. Our automobile industry has provided more prosperity to more Americans than any industry in history. We live for our cars. We recreate with our cars. What is America's favorite sport? Say it proudly...NASCAR!
Indeed, we love our cars, but not just any cars...manly cars, beefy cars, muscular cars--cars with fins, fenders, and flair. So it comes as no surprise that freedom-hating Americans (I'm talking l'bruls here) choose for transportation vehicles that hardly even deserve to be called "CAR"!
Take your average latte-sucking, sunglass wearing, Prius driving Angelino. These wimps wave smugly too each other as they pass on the freeway not realizing that to drive is to do battle--to enter a winner take all contest that compels you not to show up in something that looks like a rolling glob of mashed potatoes. Did Patton wave to Rommel as he bore down on him in the desert? He did not! And what about all of those other silly "hybrid" cars? Not a manly vehicle in the bunch:
- Insight (Honda) - May get the best gas mileage available, but it still looks like a rolling piece of candy-corn. Might as well be a tricycle with an internal combustion engine.
- Civic (Honda) - Oh sure...drive a car whose Nipponese nameplate is older than your mother and that looks like s gumdrop.
- Prius (Toyota) - An evil plot to take over the world that...well...you know what I think it looks like.
- Accord (Honda) - If you're grandfather was Japanese, this is what he'd drive--so rounded and boring that Accord drivers are often mistaken for narcoleptics.
Personally I'd prefer to drive a good solid esspresso machine. One without a milk wand to tempt the adulteration of good pure coffee.
Fix the coffee problem and people will soon start driving decent cars, like Fiats and Renaults.
Long live mass transportation!!!!!
Now, if you're looking for something more enviromentally friendly, 'round here you'll have to settle for the Amish horse & buggy combo. Easy as pie to scoop those piles of poo off the road! And the horses will eat your grass, so you can get rid of that riding mower once and for all.
But I now see how unpatrio--Owwww!--ic those ideas were, and I feel that I need to set the record straig--Owwww! [There's that bolt to the brain again.]
Gratis. My uber-patriotic heart swells just thinking about a tractor! ;-)
Though there are some counties in my home state of Texas that one couldn't pull with a John Deere, hook up a GMC or a Peterbuilt and...let the America-loving, expressed in gallons per mile, begin!
WS, that's an excellent point. I think I'm going to head out right now and get a trailer for my motorcycle so that I can haul extra fuel. :-)
- Max "Crusher" Tutein (Capt., Kvatch's Kommandos)
But it seems I only have 4 "freedom-loving" posts in me before I have to be spirited away for rehab. That's where I am now.
Back soon...check in tomorrow. I've got a couple of whoppers planned.
Julien, a hummer? How about a Bradley fighting vehicle?