2006/05/02

The Automobile - Nothing Is More American

Today at Blognonymous, we pose a simple question: What is more American than the automobile?

American power rides on 4 wheels. Our automobile industry has provided more prosperity to more Americans than any industry in history. We live for our cars. We recreate with our cars. What is America's favorite sport? Say it proudly...NASCAR!

Indeed, we love our cars, but not just any cars...manly cars, beefy cars, muscular cars--cars with fins, fenders, and flair. So it comes as no surprise that freedom-hating Americans (I'm talking l'bruls here) choose for transportation vehicles that hardly even deserve to be called "CAR"!

Take your average latte-sucking, sunglass wearing, Prius driving Angelino. These wimps wave smugly too each other as they pass on the freeway not realizing that to drive is to do battle--to enter a winner take all contest that compels you not to show up in something that looks like a rolling glob of mashed potatoes. Did Patton wave to Rommel as he bore down on him in the desert? He did not! And what about all of those other silly "hybrid" cars? Not a manly vehicle in the bunch:
  • Insight (Honda) - May get the best gas mileage available, but it still looks like a rolling piece of candy-corn. Might as well be a tricycle with an internal combustion engine.
  • Civic (Honda) - Oh sure...drive a car whose Nipponese nameplate is older than your mother and that looks like s gumdrop.
  • Prius (Toyota) - An evil plot to take over the world that...well...you know what I think it looks like.
  • Accord (Honda) - If you're grandfather was Japanese, this is what he'd drive--so rounded and boring that Accord drivers are often mistaken for narcoleptics.
So there you have it folks. Now go forth and feel proud when you shell out half your mortgage payment to fill up your Escalade. You're supporting America here!

18 Comments:

You make a good point froggy. It's those latte sippers of course. Cappucino was bad enough, but anyone who puts milk into the oils of a choice arabica coffee bean is suspect.
Personally I'd prefer to drive a good solid esspresso machine. One without a milk wand to tempt the adulteration of good pure coffee.
Fix the coffee problem and people will soon start driving decent cars, like Fiats and Renaults.
I sold my car after 9-11. I think that selling your car is more American (patriotic) than owning one at this point ;)

Long live mass transportation!!!!!
Nothing says "patriotism" like an old faithful John Deere Tractor! Living here in the boondocks, if it's not a John Deere (or a Ford Huge-Gas-Guzzling Truck) then you're not properly America loving! Shoot, hook a trailer to that bad boy and you can haul the whole county! How's that for mass trans?

Now, if you're looking for something more enviromentally friendly, 'round here you'll have to settle for the Amish horse & buggy combo. Easy as pie to scoop those piles of poo off the road! And the horses will eat your grass, so you can get rid of that riding mower once and for all.
Denisdekat...Well as you probably know, I've lived for 7 of my 10 years in Sodom by the Sea without a car. In fact, I've often written about the benefits of the "carless" lifestyle.

But I now see how unpatrio--Owwww!--ic those ideas were, and I feel that I need to set the record straig--Owwww! [There's that bolt to the brain again.]
Nothing says "patriotism" like an old faithful John Deere Tractor! Living here in the boondocks, if it's not a John Deere (or a Ford Huge-Gas-Guzzling Truck) then you're not properly America loving! Shoot, hook a trailer to that bad boy and you can haul the whole county! How's that for mass trans?

Gratis. My uber-patriotic heart swells just thinking about a tractor! ;-)

Though there are some counties in my home state of Texas that one couldn't pull with a John Deere, hook up a GMC or a Peterbuilt and...let the America-loving, expressed in gallons per mile, begin!
Not only are cars, trucks, and SUVs, tractors, heavy farm machinary, boats, ships, planes, and deisel trains good for America, they constitute the biggest strategic resevoir of gasoline on the planet. So, the bigger your tank, the more American you are! Contribute to the reserve, buy a bigger tank to move around the nations highways and byways - It's the Patriotic (with a capital P) thing to do.
I'm taking my $100 gas rebate and plowing it into rehab for the Frog.
I like gratis's idea about the Amish horse, which actually solves two problems. A horse eliminates our dependency on oil and creates new jobs at the same time. Someone has to clean up all the horse shit the rest of us refuse to deal with.
Maize. Maize is much more American than the automobile. That wasn't even a hard question.
...they constitute the biggest strategic resevoir of gasoline on the planet. So, the bigger your tank, the more American you are!

WS, that's an excellent point. I think I'm going to head out right now and get a trailer for my motorcycle so that I can haul extra fuel. :-)
I don't own a car yet, but when I get to be rich and famous, I'm going to own the longest stretch limo ever made!
Guess I don't own a manly car, but, kvatch, we are NOT all men.....I do have a working 1950s John Deere tractor, though.
Rest assured Mrs. Kvatch, we have the situation well in hand. We're going to knock some sense into your husband's little frog brain.

- Max "Crusher" Tutein (Capt., Kvatch's Kommandos)
God this was hilarious..wtf are you inhaling these days..you never cease to amaze.
Dusty, a pleasure as always. Rex Kramer hit me with his "Focus on the Freedom-hating Blog" a few days ago, and I capitulated immediately. ;-)

But it seems I only have 4 "freedom-loving" posts in me before I have to be spirited away for rehab. That's where I am now.

Back soon...check in tomorrow. I've got a couple of whoppers planned.
Escalades are for the Right Lite. I'm into Hummers, baby.
Uh...I use a broomstick...it runs on the power of the wand.
Hey Sumo, you didn't steal that wand from Glenda, did you?

Julien, a hummer? How about a Bradley fighting vehicle?

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