2006/01/30

Shortest State of the Union Address Ever


My fellow Americans, tonight I'd like report to you on the state of our glorious union, but frankly many of you don't seem to feel that things are going well, and so I'm takin' steps to correct that.

World-wide, we're fighting the unending battles of the War on T'rrorism. The t'rrorists are on the run, but of course I can't talk about that because...well...because most of it's classified. Now I know that some Americans think that the situation in Iraq isn't too great. So just to make sure that our media doesn't give any aid or comfort to the enemy, I'm hereby classifying all news from the Middle East.

And of course I know that there have been some questions about what we're doing here at home to protect y'all. So let me just say that most of that is classified too, but honestly we've got your best interests at heart. So don't worry. My administration will never abuse the power that Congress, God Almighty, and John Yoo have given us.

At home we're living in a more prosperous nation with opportunities for everyone. Well...'cept that some of you think that poverty is increasing. So from now on, all information from the Bureau of Labor Statistics is also going to be classified.

Been a lot of talk about global warming too, but we all know that global warming is a bunch of hooey. So I think we're going to have to classify any information coming from the National Academy of Sciences and our experts at NASA--just to make sure we're all on the same page here.

Frankly, I'd like to say more about the state of our wonderful union, but...I guess just about everything is classified. So let me conclude by saying that we're looking out for ya, and everything is just swell.

Good night, and God bless America.

15 Comments:

My favorite kind of leadership - faith based leadership. If you don't have the courage to trust these folks based on faith rather than fact, then vote the bastards out.
I think he just get up and pray. End of story. Windspike is right.

And how can bush be wrong if God is speaking to him and guiding him?

Of course, that means God wants the terrorists to control Iraq....
A widening tear in the space/time continuum reveals that Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine, who was supposed to deliver the Democrat's SOTU rebuttal, was arrested just before delivering it, on charges of planning to falsify his 2008 tax return.

Karl Rove picked up the text of the speech where Kaine dropped it, and read it to the camera, verbatim (so he claimed).

Full text of the Kaine rebuttal, as read by Rove:

"President Bush is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. Thank you and goodnight."
Great satire. My instinct tells me to laugh, unfortunately the truth behind your words is nothing to laugh about.
Great satire. My instinct tells me to laugh, unfortunately the truth behind your words is nothing to laugh about.

Thanks Kathy. But I do know what you mean.

Mamafrog (a published author herself) once told me that I never seem to be able to write anything happy, even when I'm trying to be funny.
Yup, it's lining up to be a great 'Super Speech'...especially now that they have a new tape to justify brining up 9/11 a thousand times. Boy, I bet those speechwriters are revising like mad today...
"And also: 9-11. Thank you, and may God bless America."
Curse you for being so amusing AND horrifying at the same time!!!
can you teach me that trick someday?
wanna cross polinate and b-roll one another?
Kvatch,

Thanks, now I can just tune into a good reality TV show, grap a heiniken, and zone out, instead of listening to our leader tomorrow night.
It'll save me from the nightmares.
Good Call.
Aww...cross bloggination at work here.

But-- does a blog begin at bloggination???

I heard the address itself is not going to be broadcast, because they cannot comment on an ongoing criminal investigation....
Wait just a second...we have a National Academy of Sciences? Why not "National Temple of Intelligent Designs?"
Full text of the Kaine rebuttal, as read by Rove:

"President Bush is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. Thank you and goodnight."


Abi, that's great. You should post it on UpdateAmerica and I'll link it as the rebuttal.
Sorry, Kvatch, I just saw your comment and posted the rebuttal here.

Great idea - thanks.

Now if we can just get this space/time continuum thing to work with the lottery...
I went out and bought a new digital recorder for my television. I heard this is going to be one of the 100 best speeches of all time and I don't want to miss a minute of it. This is going to be the highwater mark of this political year.

While the President will not fail to tell us why we are in Iraq and how right he was to send our troops in he will spend most of his time on the domestic agenda to set the stage for the mid-term elections this fall. Among the Bon mots the President will share with us is his keen insight into our health care needs. You might be surprised to learn that despite the fact that there are more than 43 million Americans who do not have health insurance of any kind that the single biggest factor in our health care is that we are over insured. Yes, you heard it here first if you did not read the LA Times but more than likely the Pres will inform you of this. That rivals such classic bits of analysis like, "we've got to destroy it to save it."

With steel trap logic like that you will soon be believing that to enhance your freedom and liberty the President has to spy on you. Actually he really is not spying on YOU, he's surveilling terrorists and until he is able to clear you he has to spy on you to make you freer. You and all of the other Americans. A war time president has those rights you know. And we will not require any kind of activist court to develop a ruling that does not exist in the constitution. No siree, we wont need that at all when we have a full service president who can do all of that by himself. IN fact we could very well do away with at least two branches of government and things would go so damn much smoother.
Well I don't want to let all the cats out of the bag or you wont be watching so...I can hardly wait for your reaction when you hear all of the other great things President Bush has to tell you.
Amazing how short a speech can be when you have absolutely nothing to say.

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